Really enjoyed the piece and the ending line! One corollary of the "working on yourself" that might be "contrary" to popular belief is that you become someone who you were not (and could not conceive of) before. In that sense, a relationship is a neverending series of jumping off cliffs, rather than a steady procession.
> "you become someone who you were not (and could not conceive of) before"
I feel this, and I briefly wrote about it in my "grieving someone who is still alive" post. But improving yourself will always be a net positive, I think. If you're committing to someone, especially for a lifetime (e.g., marriage, having kids), then you should assume there's a very high likelihood that they'll change, and of course the hope there is that they'll change for the better.
I agree on your take Sundus. I just think people think they have so many options now, grass is always greener etc. That’s why everyone gets bored and stops treating the other person the way they used to in the beginning maybe? Also the human life span was never meant to be this long sooo mauve there’s some evolutionary reason too idk. Loved reading this!!
I was excited to read this because this was something I had to figure out in my own life somewhat recently, and I spent a lot of time confused as to how such a transition can be managed without being either perpetually miserable (staying in an unrequited love) or betraying your own values (letting go of a promise to love).
It seems like your conclusion is that long term relationships end because one member stops treating love as a verb, stops participating in "care, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest and open communication". This means that the two partners stop making transitions together and begin to separate.
I think you're right, but I wonder if this really answers the question or if it just details the problem. Sure, someone has stopped treating it as a verb... but why does THAT happen?
I don't really mean this as a criticism, but more that Hooks is describing an ideal that we might choose and, thus, assumes that we WANT to choose it. If it's not affection, then what creates that want? It's easy to say "it's just a choice," but if it were, transitioning out of love wouldn't be so difficult.
In this vision of the liminality of love, it's hard for me to see what a human is actually supposed to do.
Thank you for the feedback! I always appreciate it.
You’re completely right, part of me thinks I published this piece prematurely because every time I reread it, I feel like something is... missing. I just can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe, like you mentioned, my “solution” (treating love as a verb) is more of a description or explanation of the problem. There were a lot of points I ended up removing for the sake of length, but another point I could have elaborated more on (which I actually think is more of a solution than treating love as a verb) is learning to work on yourself and better yourself in order to be fully present in and committed to your relationship. I only briefly mentioned it at the end.
So many of the issues people talk about that lead to breakups are superficial -- cheating, miscommunication, anxious/avoidant attachment, even abuse. By superficial, I mean they are not the root of the breakup; maybe the root is something more like being insecure (feeling unworthy of love, being envious/jealous, etc.) which can lead to the issues above, which then leads to not treating love like a verb.
Sorry for the ramble, but this helps me think through my post (the flaws, what’s missing, what I could have done better). And for the record, I think leaving a miserable relationship is *not* a betrayal of any value. I think it’s a courageous act to leave once all attempts to fix the relationship have failed.
I'm glad you're still thinking about it -- I hope you publish another article with your further thoughts!
In the meantime, let me add my own two cents that all the breakups I've seen after high school weren't really ABOUT anything. There were no issues at all... it just didn't work. Either there was deep esteem but no affection; deep connection but a difference in life goals; or some other problem that simply could not be solved.
I think my experience is VERY biased because the social groups I'm in take a position like Hooks' more naturally -- where love is a choice and a verb. But there are things about being human that you just can't choose or be, and it feels like Hooks is being naive to this fact sometimes.
Really enjoyed the piece and the ending line! One corollary of the "working on yourself" that might be "contrary" to popular belief is that you become someone who you were not (and could not conceive of) before. In that sense, a relationship is a neverending series of jumping off cliffs, rather than a steady procession.
> "you become someone who you were not (and could not conceive of) before"
I feel this, and I briefly wrote about it in my "grieving someone who is still alive" post. But improving yourself will always be a net positive, I think. If you're committing to someone, especially for a lifetime (e.g., marriage, having kids), then you should assume there's a very high likelihood that they'll change, and of course the hope there is that they'll change for the better.
I'm glad you enjoyed the post :)
I agree on your take Sundus. I just think people think they have so many options now, grass is always greener etc. That’s why everyone gets bored and stops treating the other person the way they used to in the beginning maybe? Also the human life span was never meant to be this long sooo mauve there’s some evolutionary reason too idk. Loved reading this!!
An evolutionary perspective on this would actually be really interesting, I'll have to look into that next!
I'm so glad you enjoyed the post!!!! <3
I was excited to read this because this was something I had to figure out in my own life somewhat recently, and I spent a lot of time confused as to how such a transition can be managed without being either perpetually miserable (staying in an unrequited love) or betraying your own values (letting go of a promise to love).
It seems like your conclusion is that long term relationships end because one member stops treating love as a verb, stops participating in "care, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, and honest and open communication". This means that the two partners stop making transitions together and begin to separate.
I think you're right, but I wonder if this really answers the question or if it just details the problem. Sure, someone has stopped treating it as a verb... but why does THAT happen?
I don't really mean this as a criticism, but more that Hooks is describing an ideal that we might choose and, thus, assumes that we WANT to choose it. If it's not affection, then what creates that want? It's easy to say "it's just a choice," but if it were, transitioning out of love wouldn't be so difficult.
In this vision of the liminality of love, it's hard for me to see what a human is actually supposed to do.
Thank you for the feedback! I always appreciate it.
You’re completely right, part of me thinks I published this piece prematurely because every time I reread it, I feel like something is... missing. I just can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe, like you mentioned, my “solution” (treating love as a verb) is more of a description or explanation of the problem. There were a lot of points I ended up removing for the sake of length, but another point I could have elaborated more on (which I actually think is more of a solution than treating love as a verb) is learning to work on yourself and better yourself in order to be fully present in and committed to your relationship. I only briefly mentioned it at the end.
So many of the issues people talk about that lead to breakups are superficial -- cheating, miscommunication, anxious/avoidant attachment, even abuse. By superficial, I mean they are not the root of the breakup; maybe the root is something more like being insecure (feeling unworthy of love, being envious/jealous, etc.) which can lead to the issues above, which then leads to not treating love like a verb.
Sorry for the ramble, but this helps me think through my post (the flaws, what’s missing, what I could have done better). And for the record, I think leaving a miserable relationship is *not* a betrayal of any value. I think it’s a courageous act to leave once all attempts to fix the relationship have failed.
I'm glad you're still thinking about it -- I hope you publish another article with your further thoughts!
In the meantime, let me add my own two cents that all the breakups I've seen after high school weren't really ABOUT anything. There were no issues at all... it just didn't work. Either there was deep esteem but no affection; deep connection but a difference in life goals; or some other problem that simply could not be solved.
I think my experience is VERY biased because the social groups I'm in take a position like Hooks' more naturally -- where love is a choice and a verb. But there are things about being human that you just can't choose or be, and it feels like Hooks is being naive to this fact sometimes.